It’s the 11^th of February 2015. Just 3 days before the day. The day my world changed forever. I can’t believe it’s been almost 4 years.

I am sitting here thinking about how I need to do my school assignment that is due tonight. I look over at my Christmas tree that is all down except for the very bottom branches. I just look at it. I should have had it down over a month ago. What am I doing?

The dishes in the sink- they keep piling up. I will get to them. I haven’t slept in my bed in weeks. I will get to that too. I have to be at my internship at 8am in the morning for a meeting. I can do this. Landon needs a bath now. It’s almost his bedtime. Am I a bad mom for letting him stay up with me last night on a school night? The company was nice, and he loved waking up on the couch with me. But… it can’t happen all the time. I need my rest and so does he. He needs to sleep in his bed. He is my best bud in the whole wide world.

Has it gotten easier? I guess. Am I still thinking about it nonstop right now? Yes. Does a moment go by where I don’t? Sometimes.  I have been trying to keep myself busy for the most part!  I am SO thankful for all the support I get though. It helps. So much.

I want it to not hurt this bad. I want February to come and me not think about it… but I do. The days leading up to it are always the worse. It’s like…. I know the day is coming… so I am going to keep thinking about it… and I end up driving myself crazy with the thoughts and emotions. I think about him. About what happened. Was he in pain? What about the other guys? Are they okay today? I wasn’t there. I didn’t see it. Why does it still hurt this bad? I sometimes feel bad for sharing my emotions on facebook and my blog where they can read it… but it helps me a little bit. I hope they understand. I hope they know I love them and think about them all the time.

I decided something the other day. I decided it’s time. It’s time for me to find myself. It’s time for me to take control of my happiness. To live for myself and for Landon. I have decided to get my health back (for real this time). I am going to be 26 years old this month. I am still a youngster… yes. Haha but I am not getting younger! This is not where I want to be in 5 years. I do not want to feel like this. It’s not healthy. I can do this.

So. Many people are remembering Andy today…. Not because today is the day it happened… but because the day will soon be here. The days. The 6 days of the most pain I have ever felt. They will be here soon. Thank you to everyone who thinks about us and prays for us and for Andy’s family- his parents and siblings especially. They are wonderful and so strong.

I plan on writing a blog in remembrance of Andy each day from February 14^th through February 19^th. I feel that it will help me this year somehow to focus on the positives… while also sharing with you some things you may or may not know! I look forward to us going through these days ahead with those of you who wish to go through them with me. Let me know if you would like to know anything at all.

I love you all!  ❤