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Perfect Families

~ Crissie Carpenter ~ Leave a comment

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who scrolls through my social media and find myself a little bit jealous of other families who are “perfect”.  You know the ones I am talking about… the family with a beautiful woman and her husband and their children.  They are all looking lovely and dressed nice with big smiles on their face.  You can tell they are just perfect.  They have a beautiful home and it’s like their kids never make a mess.  It’s as if they have the perfect marriage.  I keep up with their vacations and baseball games.  Family nights and date nights.  I literally find myself in aw and also super depressed because…. well…. I don’t have that.

Social media can be a wonderful tool for us, but I think it can also sometimes be a not so helpful tool as we constantly compare ourselves to others.  For me, it is the fact that I do not have a significant other.  My son doesn’t have a father figure.  I want to live life with someone eventually so I envy others who already have that!  Not to mention my personal battles and insecurities.  I see the “perfect people” and think about how jealous I am of their awesome metabolism and blessed genes.

What we sometimes overlook is the fact that photos can cover up ALOT.  We might see a happy family, but we do not always see a story behind that photo.  We are not seeing the struggles of mental illness.  We do not see the struggles of marriage issues they are currently having.  Maybe someone is dealing with a health issue we do not know about.  Addiction.  Loss.  Abuse.  Debt.  Maybe that beautiful girl is actually struggling every single day with depression and self-esteem issues herself.  My point is that we ALL have struggles.  We ALL deal with things that others do not know about.  It is so easy to cover those things up and portray ourselves as being perfect.  It is so easy to scroll through social media and find ourselves envying someone else’s perfect lifestyle or family.  What I challenge myself and others to do is to stop focusing on what we don’t have and start focusing on what we DO have.  Stop looking at others and thinking about how they are perfect and start reminding yourself that NO ONE is perfect.  When we experience loss, whether that is by death, relationship, divorce, etc.,… we experience an emptiness that makes it even easier to focus on things that others have that we do not.  Let’s do our best to not worry so much about those things and start focusing on ourselves and finding happiness in life with what we do have!

In time, things will get better.  In time, you will start to have what your heart desires.  Be patient, have Faith and trust in His timing.  ❤

My son asked for a dad today…

~ Crissie Carpenter ~ Leave a comment

“Mommy, when am I getting a new daddy?”.  Those were the words from my little boy who will be 5 years old in just 4 short days.  This is a question he has been asking me since he was 2.5/3 years old.  As a parent, we want to be able to give our children everything their heart desires… especially if it is something that means so much like this.  Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to give him this yet.  My only response I know to say is… “When God is ready, he will send us someone very special!”… today I asked Landon why he wants a dad in his life… his response was sweet as he says “so I can have a daddy to play with”.  “And I want a baby brother.”  You could tell he had been thinking about this for a few minutes before he asked me.  Then, like his strong little self… he just went right back to playing with the bubbles in the bathtub like it was no big deal.

Truth is… my heart falls every time he mentions this to me.  I know life sometimes gives us things that we do not understand, but it hurts worse when there is an innocent child involved.  I do not understand why God chose us.  Why He chose Landon to endure this.  I do not understand a lot of things.  I do know that I can not allow myself to dwell on the sadness and the things we do not have right now.

What we can do… is love.  Love every moment you have with those you care about.  Life can get so busy and hectic that we sometimes forget the small things and the small moments that mean so much… moments that we may not truly appreciate until they are no longer there.  Play with your children, be there for them, and do everything you can to show them how much you love them.  If you have someone special in your life… cherish everything and be kind.  Love with your whole heart and when there are struggles, communicate and figure it out in love, patience and kindness.  Not all relationships work out and that is okay.  But, what is important is to always show kindness and love in all situations.  I will keep praying for strength and will continue to pray that God gives Landon strength and understanding in these moments like we had today.  We do not always understand things in life, but we have to have Faith that all things will work out the way they are meant to… as long as we are true to ourselves and are our BEST selves!

 

Raising a Child Who is Grieving…

~ Crissie Carpenter ~ 2 Comments

This is a topic that has been on my heart a lot recently after watching a show where a young mom deals with a very similar situation that I do (Teem Mom- Farrah).  It made me realize just how similar her child’s grief and ‘dealing’ with things is so similar to my own child’s grief… so, I felt I needed to share these words and tips with anyone who may need it…

  1.  Encourage emotions.  It is my belief, and my own personal experience, that I say this.  My child is only 4 years old, but he started talking about his father’s absence when he was only 2.5-3 years old.  I always want Landon (my son) to know that he can always talk to me about anything.  I also want him to know that it is OKAY when he feels sad… or mad… or hurt… or angry… or frustrated… or happy.  All emotions are okay and normal.  I also think helping a child identify their emotions if very helpful as well.  Example: One night Landon started to cry after talking about his father.  I told him it is okay that he is sad that his daddy can’t be here with us.  It is okay to cry.
  2. Reassurance.  This is such a huge thing when dealing with a grieving child.  Young children will often not fully understand why a parent has passed away or isn’t coming home.  Sometimes they may even think that their deceased parent ‘chose’ to leave him/her.  A great way I explain this to Landon is as follows: “Your daddy loves you so very much.  He wanted to be here with you so bad, but he can’t be.”  The child might react with a “why not?”…. which leads me into my next point…
  3. Explaining death.  OH MY.  This was such a difficult thing for me to figure out along the way.  I want to first start by saying that age of your child truly does matter when it comes to explaining death.  The older they get, the more they can comprehend what death is.  However, when they are 2… 3… 4 years old, it is WAY harder to explain what death is.  But, rest assured.  It is actually not bad when you focus on simplifying it to a child.  Ideas to use: His/her body doesn’t work any more;  His/her body broke;  His/her body stopped working. >>> these are things that are very simple because this is how children at a young age like this think.  We have to keep it basic.  Now, I originally told Landon his dad is in Heaven.  Well, Landon then started thinking his dad was choosing to be away from here because he thought Heaven was a tangible place we could literally drive to.  Landon would also make comments like: “Mommy, I want to go to Heaven right now.” You may also hear things like: “Mommy, I want to die too.”  Don’t be angry with this… he simply just wants to see his dad and doesn’t understand why he can’t.  It takes time and patience to help him understand.  Again, start with telling him/her ‘his body is broke and doesn’t work any more’.  I promise that there will be a day when he will start comprehending what Heaven is (and don’t totally stop talking about Heaven… because I use that with Landon now along with talking about his dad’s body being broke… and he seems to finally understand).
  4. Fear of death.  Okay, so, after Landon figured out that dying means that his dad is never ever coming home to us… he began to fear it.  One night, Landon asked me: “Mommy, are you going to die?”  My response?  Yes, honey, we all die one day… but it will be a long time from now.  OH. My. Goodness.  He cried hysterically that night.  He knows what it means for his father to die so now he somehow has it going through his sweet little mind that it’s a possibility that mommy could die.  I had to ease his heart by telling him a little white lie: “mommy, is not going to die.”  I mean, like I said…. he is still so little and takes things SO LITERAL.
  5. Celebrate and talk about dad/mom.  I always want Landon to know that it is okay to talk about his dad whenever he wants.  When he was younger I was more careful about how and how often I spoke about his dad because I never wanted him to think his dad was still alive and just choosing not to be here.  However, now that he is getting older, it is much easier to tell him things like: you look so much like your daddy!; Did you know your dad LOVED batman?!; You are so much like your dad!; Your dad was a goofball just like you!  I do try to keep these comments minimal still because he still struggles with his dad’s absence and understanding it… but I usually know when it’s a good time to say it.  We also celebrate his dad’s birthday with cupcakes and balloons!  Landon LOVES doing that!  However, a few months ago on his dad’s birthday, Landon actually picked out two cupcakes he wanted to save for his dad.  😦 Again, there is never a right way… we just have to sometimes go along with it and sometimes answer questions as best we can as long as it is positive.  I went along with it by telling Landon it is very sweet he picked those two for his dad, but I also reminded him that his dad can’t ‘really’ eat those cupcakes… but I know he would love those!  Another idea we enjoy… having a picnic at the cemetery.  All of this helps so much by keeping them alive and showing it is okay to talk about them and miss them.
  6. Other people.  This really doesn’t have anything to do with the child directly, but it does have to do with others and your child.  It is important to always feel comfortable with your situation and sometimes that means setting boundaries.  For example, I find it to be way easier for me to work with Landon through this process right now by me being the one to discuss things with him when it comes to death and his dad.  Now, I am not saying that if he asks a question to someone else that they should just not answer.  What I am saying is is that I have kindly asked our loved ones to not ‘bring it up’ to him right now.  They all seem to do good at respecting it.  I say this with experience.  Set boundaries and COMMUNICATE with others what your wishes are.  If they respect you, they will respect your wishes.
  7. How you respond to your child’s grief is OKAY.  I wish there was a perfect manual for how to deal with a grieving child.  However, there is not.  There are books out there with tips based on how a child thinks, but no body knows how they will respond and when they will start asking questions.  Please know that everything your child is saying and feeling is completely normal.  And, even if you totally disregard everything I said above this, please know that you are doing an amazing job and it will get better!  There are hard days where you will cry because you don’t know how to answer a question… or maybe you don’t know how to respond to a comment your child has made.  But, trust me, you are doing GREAT.  There is no right or wrong way with this.
  8. Cry. It’s okay to hide sometimes… but it is also okay to cry in front of your child(ren).  If they ask what is wrong, be honest.  Mommy just misses your daddy a lot today.  I promise- it is okay.  They need to see this because it teaches them that it is okay to have emotions.  You got this.

Why I am the way I am right now…

~ Crissie Carpenter ~ 1 Comment

Okay, so here is what I want you to do. Take a moment and imagine yourself- your best self. You are feeling great. You feel beautiful. You are in the best shape of your life. You are in school, you have met someone who you have fallen in love with, you get married… and soon you find out a miracle has happened… God gave you a child. A beautiful child who you will share with this person who you now call your spouse. Your best friend. Your other half. All the fear has gone away when you see your best friend smile in excitement because our dreams we have shared together are now coming true. Your heart begins to smile because it feels so good. So perfect, wonderful and beautiful. It’s okay that we do not have a lot of things or a lot of money. It’s okay that I am not quite done with college… because we both know it will be okay and we will figure it out together. Your heart is filled with warmth and happiness.

Now…. Take a few steps forward. Your world stops spinning for a brief moment. You can feel each heart beat that pounds. Your throat feels as if it is going to burst. You literally feel as if one day everything was perfect… and now…. You have no idea where to go or where to turn. You begin to question why. You are scared. You have never felt so alone in your life. No one understands the exact feelings you feel. No one gets it. And, now… you’re a mom.

Six months after my husband died, I decided to date again. Now looking back, I can see how I was scared and unsure. I wanted to hide the pain. I wanted to normalize our life as best as I could. I hadn’t truly ‘dealt’ with the pain of that loss. Not until now. It has been approximately 1.5 years since we broke up. Me and the man who saved me at my hardest days. He helped me live the first two years of my baby’s life as happily as I could. He brought a sense of family for us. He gave my little boy something I couldn’t give him. Until it was over…. That was so extremely difficult for me to accept- the end of our relationship. I would hear my little boy ask for him or talk about him for months. I didn’t understand why things happened the way they did. I wasn’t ready to face this. I wasn’t ready to be alone. I wasn’t ready to see Landon feel pain and have confusion at such a young age.

But then something magical happened. I started to grieve. I started to grieve more than I ever have. It was as if I went back to the beginning again… except now, it was more real. Landon also started to grieve. He first grieved the loss of what he had and knew… but then he started to grieve what he didn’t have. He grew up a little bit more. He now understands who dad is. He now understands daddy’s body is broken and doesn’t work any more. He gets sad about it. He gets mad sometimes too. But, can I blame him? I get mad too. It’s not fair. It isn’t.

One thing about grief is that it will always be. We will never lose that hurt. I will never understand why…. But I will make myself believe there is a reason out of pure Faith. I will teach Landon the same.

One of the many interesting things I have had to learn about in my studies is the theory of The 5 Stages of Grief. I wanted to share these with you all after you read a little bit about my experiences in hope that you can see how these stages might could exist and why it might be more difficult for some, like myself, to experience life the same as you or someone else. This can be in relation to everything (dating, making friends, hanging out, being social, going to church, laughing, being outgoing, organization, emotions, health, paying bills on time, house chores, etc.,.).  Not saying a person can not live happily after losing someone close to them… this simply helps to explain the ‘why’ a person is the way they are.  For me, it is more like random personal battles of grief while trying to survive.

The following are The 5 Stages of Grief:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Here is a great article on grief that helps to explain these stages more in detail:

5 Stages of Grief

❤

Happy Valentine’s Day. Today & Every day: Tips of Love from a Widow

Image ~ ~ Crissie Carpenter ~ 2 Comments

Today marked 4 years from the day my late husband Andy was shot in Afghanistan.  Today has been a trying day for me.  I am still learning how to deal with the day.  I honestly have been wanting to write something all day but could not even figure out what to write.  However, considering it is Valentine’s Day… I was thinking it would be cool to focus on what love is and what are some of the things Andy and I did that really challenged us but helped us at the same time.

  1. Never go to bed angry at each other.  This is one that I took very seriously with me and Andy.  I remember one night when Andy and I got into an argument… He decided he was going to sleep in the spare room that night.  I remember going downstairs and started to clean because I refused to go to sleep without us solving the issue.  I can remember it like it was yesterday- Andy came down the stairs halfway and peek around and said “what are you doing?”.  I told him I was not going to bed with us arguing so I am cleaning.  He said, “I thought you were packing and fixing to leave or something!” and then he smiled…. and then he understood how important it was for me to not go to bed angry.  We ended up apologizing to one another and hugged it out.  Ever since then we stood by a rule of never going to bed angry at one another.
  2. Try your best to go to bed together.  This one is a difficult one to always stick to because of the many different schedules happening in a household.  However, if you can do it…. I always enjoyed that with Andy.  It allowed us to talk about our days and spend time getting ready for bed together.  It was nice.
  3. Let him be a guy (or let her be a girl).  What I mean by this is… each person in a relationship needs space.  This is not something new for people to hear.  However, I can remember that when me and Andy were living in North Carolina… I noticed he wasn’t playing his video games very much any more.  When I asked him why he hasn’t been playing much, he said ” well, I just didn’t want to make you upset “…. which, of course, I thought it was really sweet he took my feelings into consideration.  But, I took that opportunity to realize that we can respect one another and the things we both enjoy to do sometimes.  I reassured Andy that I am okay with him playing his video games as long as it doesn’t get in the way of ‘us’.  haha.  It’s amazing what we do for those we love.  ❤
  4. Laugh together.  I don’t really have to explain this one.  All I can say is…. laughter is good for the soul!  I can only imagine it is good for a marriage!
  5. Allow disagreements.  This one actually comes straight from Andy.  When Andy and I started dating, I was very easy going and never disagreed with Andy on much.  I just didn’t want to argue or involve arguments within my relationship.  However, I remember one time Andy becoming frustrated with me and one of my ‘silent treatments’ I was giving him.  He made a great point by encouraging me to be open with him and my feelings.  He told me he believes through every disagreement, there is growth.  He sincerely opened my eyes with this.  I didn’t realize I was making things worse by not being open with him about my feelings and trying to bottle it all in.  I recommend communication.  I do not necessarily mean to argue at every little thing (nitpicking- though we all have our days 😉 )… but having open communication is important.
  6. Listen to him/her.  When the time is right, it is important to make sure you listen to your significant other about what it is they are wanting to talk about.  For me, it was finally being able to listen to Andy speak about his past experiences with dating and girls.  It was always hard for me to hear all of that before.  However, there was a moment when I finally was able to truly listen to him.  We were driving 13 hours from Tennessee back to North Carolina.  The trip flew by as I listened to him tell me about his past.  I remember pulling up in front of our house and Andy just stops and looks at me… and he said “thank you”.  I said, ‘for what???’…. he said, “thank you for letting me talk about all that.”.  I just smiled and said ‘you’re welcome… I enjoyed hearing it.’… I felt that our relationship moved to the next level at that moment.  We both were finally at this place of…. he went through all of that to get to me and to where we were in that exact moment.  It was a wonderful moment.
  7. Allow spiritual growth together.  Andy and I decided to go to church together.  I am so glad we did.  We grew so much together just in about 6 months.
  8. Refrain from using the D word.  What is the D word???  Divorce.  Ugh.  This word should not be used lightly.  This is a word that should never be thrown around and misused.  Marriage is a serious commitment and if you are not ready, then do not do it in the first place.  The only time you should ever mention the D word… is if you are literally ready to file for it.  Otherwise, I would focus on communication or even trying therapy.  I believe with each time the word divorce is used within a disagreement, the relationship loses a little something that is so hard to get back.
  9. Kiss goodnight.
  10. Let every day be a day focused on love.  Always share with him or her how much you love them.  Let him/her know how wonderful they are.  Compliment them.  Be proud of them.  And tell them you are proud of them.  It is amazing what the small things we can do or say does to impact our relationships.

I know this post is probably not what you expected from me today.  However, it was what I felt in my heart to share.  Remember not to let life get in the way of taking the time to love wholeheartedly.  Me losing Andy was something I never ever thought would happen to me.  I am so blessed to feel as if Andy and I were in a wonderful place together when he did pass away.  Not only were we husband and wife, we were best friends.  Happy Valentine’s Day… today and every day. ❤

The Days Ahead…….

~ Crissie Carpenter ~ 6 Comments

It’s the 11th of February 2015. Just 3 days before the day. The day my world changed forever. I can’t believe it’s been almost 4 years.

I am sitting here thinking about how I need to do my school assignment that is due tonight. I look over at my Christmas tree that is all down except for the very bottom branches. I just look at it. I should have had it down over a month ago. What am I doing?

The dishes in the sink- they keep piling up. I will get to them. I haven’t slept in my bed in weeks. I will get to that too. I have to be at my internship at 8am in the morning for a meeting. I can do this. Landon needs a bath now. It’s almost his bedtime. Am I a bad mom for letting him stay up with me last night on a school night? The company was nice, and he loved waking up on the couch with me. But… it can’t happen all the time. I need my rest and so does he. He needs to sleep in his bed. He is my best bud in the whole wide world.

Has it gotten easier? I guess. Am I still thinking about it nonstop right now? Yes. Does a moment go by where I don’t? Sometimes.  I have been trying to keep myself busy for the most part!  I am SO thankful for all the support I get though. It helps. So much.

I want it to not hurt this bad. I want February to come and me not think about it… but I do. The days leading up to it are always the worse. It’s like…. I know the day is coming… so I am going to keep thinking about it… and I end up driving myself crazy with the thoughts and emotions. I think about him. About what happened. Was he in pain? What about the other guys? Are they okay today? I wasn’t there. I didn’t see it. Why does it still hurt this bad? I sometimes feel bad for sharing my emotions on facebook and my blog where they can read it… but it helps me a little bit. I hope they understand. I hope they know I love them and think about them all the time.

I decided something the other day. I decided it’s time. It’s time for me to find myself. It’s time for me to take control of my happiness. To live for myself and for Landon. I have decided to get my health back (for real this time). I am going to be 26 years old this month. I am still a youngster… yes. Haha but I am not getting younger! This is not where I want to be in 5 years. I do not want to feel like this. It’s not healthy. I can do this.

So. Many people are remembering Andy today…. Not because today is the day it happened… but because the day will soon be here. The days. The 6 days of the most pain I have ever felt. They will be here soon. Thank you to everyone who thinks about us and prays for us and for Andy’s family- his parents and siblings especially. They are wonderful and so strong.

I plan on writing a blog in remembrance of Andy each day from February 14th through February 19th. I feel that it will help me this year somehow to focus on the positives… while also sharing with you some things you may or may not know! I look forward to us going through these days ahead with those of you who wish to go through them with me. Let me know if you would like to know anything at all.

I love you all!  ❤

Stresses Of a Widow: The Expected And Not So Expected

~ Crissie Carpenter ~ 4 Comments

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I was thinking it would be fun to put together a list of some of my major stresses I suffer from on a regular basis in hopes I can relate to some others (hopefully I can just keep telling myself  I am not the only one feeling these things…).

Unfortunately, stressing out over everything in my life has always been a normal thing for me… even before I ever became widowed.  So, if you know me, you can only imagine how extra stressed I have become after becoming widowed and having a baby… and still trying to finish school- all at the same time.  Woo.

1.  Sleepless Nights.  I could say this is expected…. because, well, it is.  Anyone who goes through something major will lose many nights of sleep, right?  Why?  Because they are grieving, duh.  Because they would rather drown themselves in tears than enjoy a night of rest.  However, this is not necessarily the main reason I have lost sleep at night.  Don’t get me wrong…. once the baby/toddler/kids are put to bed… that outburst of emotions is sometimes needed- and that’s okay (trust me, I do it all the time).

But, one of the not so expected moments is when you are getting ready for bed and you begin to remember how we (me and my late hubs andy) used to watch movies together before bed.  Or that show Parenthood we used to be obsessed with.  You remember how we would cut up and just chill and talk about our long days we had.  We talked about our not so good day we had or how much we miss home (being in North Carolina was way different than Tennessee).  We would talk about our future plans and ideas we had for the future.  I would finish up my school work and we would go cuddle up together in bed by 10:30 most nights.  I enjoyed every night I got with you because of all the stinking trainings you had to go to and that dreaded deployment we were about to have.  We had such a good time with the time we did have together in the evenings.

And now…….. you aren’t here.  So that bed that used to be taken up by both of us…. is now missing you.  The warmth I used to get from cuddling up by you… is not there any more.  The late night talks and the good night kisses are gone.  I used to rub your face for you as you fell asleep when you asked me to.  Me facing that bed alone……. I don’t think I can do it.  I don’t think I can handle that.  I do it when I need the rest.  When my body is so tired that I force myself.  I have bought a new mattress and a beautiful comforter…. and it still doesn’t work.  The stress of facing bedtime…… it’s merely a reminder for me.  I know one day I will have a new warmth lying next to me……. Oh how much I look forward to that… but for now….. the couch is usually my best solution on these nights.

2. Dating.  This is one of those topics that I can guarantee most widows have googled at some time or another- “when is it okay for a widow to date?”,  “how soon is too soon for a widow to date?”,  “how do I tell my family I am dating?  how do I tell his mother I am dating again?”, “how do I trust someone else with my child’s heart?”, “what if I become widowed too soon again?  how could I possibly bear losing another love in my life?”, “what is best for my son?”, “It will take someone special to date me.”, “will they be okay for my son to have photos of his dad?  They better be or they can leave.”, “my son wants someone so bad… I wish I could just do it.”, “Dear Lord, please send us someone who loves us as we are who we can love dearly back and who treats us well.”………….. yeah.  a thousand thoughts.  a thousand prayers.

3.  Home sweet home.  Hm.  Well, for me, I was living with my mother when I had my son.  I soon found a place to rent.  I immediately moved after finding a ton of mold in my son’s room.  Fortunately found another place to rent in my home town.  I met a guy.  We moved an hour and a half away from my hometown when Landon was a little over a year old.  We broke up.  I moved again (still an hour away from my hometown and most of my family).  It’s a nice neighborhood….. and I am blessed…. but this is not where I want to be forever or for the next 5 years.  I am tired of moving.  I am single.  I have a little boy who will be school-age soon…. where do I go?  Should I buy a home?  Should I keep paying rent (money I would love to potentially be putting toward our own home)?  Should Landon be in private school?  Should we move to the town with the best public schools?  Should I move to where I have a lot of family but the schools are not the top of the top but still aren’t terrible?  Plus, I have family who works at those schools… which is cool.  Right?  But is it the best decision?  I will still have to drive to Nashville for school and for work for a while.  Is it okay for me to do that?  Especially as a single mom?  Why do I feel like I am going insane thinking about this?????

4.  Community vs. Loneliness/fighting depression/living under a rock/force yourself out.  There can be so many people in the same room with me….. but there still is that small feeling of loneliness.  Maybe it will one day be fixed.  I know it will be.  But that takes time…. but how much longer will it take?!  My son is the BEST company in the whole wide world…. but I sometimes like adult interaction too.  Maybe even one day a boyfriend will fix that?  Who knows.  Is it family I need?  I have no clue.  Maybe I just haven’t fully accepted things???  I don’t know.  I am trying.  And community is great.  I like people… most of the time.  Until I am the only widowed mom in the room.  The only one who can truly understand how I feel.  Maybe I just need to form a widows group.  yep.  Maybe.  But then when they start dating…. now what.  or when I start dating…. I’m guilty too.  Life happens.  But now what.  I can’t help that I get irritated easily at the fact that you have your husband to watch movies with…. or that you son is on his dad’s shoulders.  I love going to the zoo or out to eat with you…. and your wedding ring.  And if you are single… awesome!  Oh… you get how many days to yourself when the kid is at their dads?  That’s awesome you guys can work together though.  Me get a babysitter???  Sure!  But… I do not like leaving my baby all night.  Recently I have needed a few nights… but let’s just say… I am not in the best place to be drinking like everyone else my age is doing.  But it’s fun, right?  well…. until I start crying after too many drinks.  Or when I get sick because I finally started forgetting about everything.  Meet people who are single?  Dating sites?  Egh.  Not for me really.  But maybe one day.  I guess it’s in God’s hands.  But, don’t get me wrong… I do love my friends and reconnecting with old friends and hanging out.  I do not want that to go away.  I do however face those challenges of trying not to feel sorry for myself.  :-/

5.  Weight gain/loss… and for me it’s gain.  Yep.  I was in the best shape of my life before I had a baby… my plan was to keep it off and get back to where I was after having the baby.  Well, that was until I became widowed.  I then found comfort in ice cream and chocolate.  I am still battling that psychological connection to comfort food.  But, I WILL GET BACK TO MY BEFORE WEIGHT.  Errr.

6.  Life.  I still have school to finish.  I still have a toddler to take care of- feed, bathe, clothe, read books to, play with, teach, etc.,. I have my health to try to take care of.  I have bills I have to keep up with.  I have big decisions to make.  I have to get out of bed everyday.  Clean house.  Try to organize my borderline hoarded home of too many things and too many toys (I am sooooo ready to clean that out).

7.  Who am I?  After my world stopped for that brief moment……. I lost connection to who I am.  I am still trying to find myself again.  I miss the old me.  I miss being the girl who always had a smile.  I miss being that hippie girl who cared about each little thing she put in her mouth.  I miss my old personality.  Hm.  Maybe I still have it???  I hope so.

I did not list everything…. but these are the main things that came to my mind.  But…. one thing I try to live by each day is DO NOT GIVE UP.  I have MANY blessings.  I have SO MUCH to live for.  I know God has many great things planned for us.  Many of these stresses are just little things…. things that can be changed if needed.  Things that can be worked on.  No matter where you are in life…. make every decision for YOU.  Strive each day to better yourself and enjoy life.  Also strive to spread love and happiness.  I, personally, try to be a good example to my son… though I have my moments no doubt.  🙂  Peace.

photo credit: cassieharmony.wordpress.com

‘Widow’s Brain’ Moment.

~ Crissie Carpenter ~ Leave a comment

WELL.  If you are a widow(er)… you understand when I use the term ‘widow’s brain’. It is something that happens to the brain where a person can not remember certain things.  We seem to forget often.  Honestly, I can not even really explain it.  It just is.  And we know when we have our widows brain moments.

Once upon a time, I created a blog titled ‘widowedmommy’.  I now cannot figure out what the heck happened and now I can not find my blog.  Therefore, I decided to create a new one- widow brain moment???  :-/ .

SO, here I am.  I am back, and I am ready to officially start this new journey with my new blog (again?).

Stay tuned………………….