This is a topic that has been on my heart a lot recently after watching a show where a young mom deals with a very similar situation that I do (Teem Mom- Farrah).  It made me realize just how similar her child’s grief and ‘dealing’ with things is so similar to my own child’s grief… so, I felt I needed to share these words and tips with anyone who may need it…

1.  Encourage emotions.  It is my belief, and my own personal experience, that I say this.  My child is only 4 years old, but he started talking about his father’s absence when he was only 2.5-3 years old.  I always want Landon (my son) to know that he can always talk to me about anything.  I also want him to know that it is OKAY when he feels sad… or mad… or hurt… or angry… or frustrated… or happy.  All emotions are okay and normal.  I also think helping a child identify their emotions if very helpful as well.  Example: One night Landon started to cry after talking about his father.  I told him it is okay that he is sad that his daddy can’t be here with us.  It is okay to cry.
2. Reassurance.  This is such a huge thing when dealing with a grieving child.  Young children will often not fully understand why a parent has passed away or isn’t coming home.  Sometimes they may even think that their deceased parent ‘chose’ to leave him/her.  A great way I explain this to Landon is as follows: “Your daddy loves you so very much.  He wanted to be here with you so bad, but he can’t be.”  The child might react with a “why not?”…. which leads me into my next point…
3. Explaining death.  OH MY.  This was such a difficult thing for me to figure out along the way.  I want to first start by saying that age of your child truly does matter when it comes to explaining death.  The older they get, the more they can comprehend what death is.  However, when they are 2… 3… 4 years old, it is WAY harder to explain what death is.  But, rest assured.  It is actually not bad when you focus on simplifying it to a child.  Ideas to use: His/her body doesn’t work any more;  His/her body broke;  His/her body stopped working. >>> these are things that are very simple because this is how children at a young age like this think.  We have to keep it basic.  Now, I originally told Landon his dad is in Heaven.  Well, Landon then started thinking his dad was choosing to be away from here because he thought Heaven was a tangible place we could literally drive to.  Landon would also make comments like: “Mommy, I want to go to Heaven right now.” You may also hear things like: “Mommy, I want to die too.”  Don’t be angry with this… he simply just wants to see his dad and doesn’t understand why he can’t.  It takes time and patience to help him understand.  Again, start with telling him/her ‘his body is broke and doesn’t work any more’.  I promise that there will be a day when he will start comprehending what Heaven is (and don’t totally stop talking about Heaven… because I use that with Landon now along with talking about his dad’s body being broke… and he seems to finally understand).
4. Fear of death.  Okay, so, after Landon figured out that dying means that his dad is never ever coming home to us… he began to fear it.  One night, Landon asked me: “Mommy, are you going to die?”  My response?  Yes, honey, we all die one day… but it will be a long time from now.  OH. My. Goodness.  He cried hysterically that night.  He knows what it means for his father to die so now he somehow has it going through his sweet little mind that it’s a possibility that mommy could die.  I had to ease his heart by telling him a little white lie: “mommy, is not going to die.”  I mean, like I said…. he is still so little and takes things SO LITERAL.
5. Celebrate and talk about dad/mom.  I always want Landon to know that it is okay to talk about his dad whenever he wants.  When he was younger I was more careful about how and how often I spoke about his dad because I never wanted him to think his dad was still alive and just choosing not to be here.  However, now that he is getting older, it is much easier to tell him things like: you look so much like your daddy!; Did you know your dad LOVED batman?!; You are so much like your dad!; Your dad was a goofball just like you!  I do try to keep these comments minimal still because he still struggles with his dad’s absence and understanding it… but I usually know when it’s a good time to say it.  We also celebrate his dad’s birthday with cupcakes and balloons!  Landon LOVES doing that!  However, a few months ago on his dad’s birthday, Landon actually picked out two cupcakes he wanted to save for his dad.  😦 Again, there is never a right way… we just have to sometimes go along with it and sometimes answer questions as best we can as long as it is positive.  I went along with it by telling Landon it is very sweet he picked those two for his dad, but I also reminded him that his dad can’t ‘really’ eat those cupcakes… but I know he would love those!  Another idea we enjoy… having a picnic at the cemetery.  All of this helps so much by keeping them alive and showing it is okay to talk about them and miss them.
6. Other people.  This really doesn’t have anything to do with the child directly, but it does have to do with others and your child.  It is important to always feel comfortable with your situation and sometimes that means setting boundaries.  For example, I find it to be way easier for me to work with Landon through this process right now by me being the one to discuss things with him when it comes to death and his dad.  Now, I am not saying that if he asks a question to someone else that they should just not answer.  What I am saying is is that I have kindly asked our loved ones to not ‘bring it up’ to him right now.  They all seem to do good at respecting it.  I say this with experience.  Set boundaries and COMMUNICATE with others what your wishes are.  If they respect you, they will respect your wishes.
7. How you respond to your child’s grief is OKAY.  I wish there was a perfect manual for how to deal with a grieving child.  However, there is not.  There are books out there with tips based on how a child thinks, but no body knows how they will respond and when they will start asking questions.  Please know that everything your child is saying and feeling is completely normal.  And, even if you totally disregard everything I said above this, please know that you are doing an amazing job and it will get better!  There are hard days where you will cry because you don’t know how to answer a question… or maybe you don’t know how to respond to a comment your child has made.  But, trust me, you are doing GREAT.  There is no right or wrong way with this.
8. Cry. It’s okay to hide sometimes… but it is also okay to cry in front of your child(ren).  If they ask what is wrong, be honest.  Mommy just misses your daddy a lot today.  I promise- it is okay.  They need to see this because it teaches them that it is okay to have emotions.  You got this.