Okay, so here is what I want you to do. Take a moment and imagine yourself- your best self. You are feeling great. You feel beautiful. You are in the best shape of your life. You are in school, you have met someone who you have fallen in love with, you get married… and soon you find out a miracle has happened… God gave you a child. A beautiful child who you will share with this person who you now call your spouse. Your best friend. Your other half. All the fear has gone away when you see your best friend smile in excitement because our dreams we have shared together are now coming true. Your heart begins to smile because it feels so good. So perfect, wonderful and beautiful. It’s okay that we do not have a lot of things or a lot of money. It’s okay that I am not quite done with college… because we both know it will be okay and we will figure it out together. Your heart is filled with warmth and happiness.

Now…. Take a few steps forward. Your world stops spinning for a brief moment. You can feel each heart beat that pounds. Your throat feels as if it is going to burst. You literally feel as if one day everything was perfect… and now…. You have no idea where to go or where to turn. You begin to question why. You are scared. You have never felt so alone in your life. No one understands the exact feelings you feel. No one gets it. And, now… you’re a mom.

Six months after my husband died, I decided to date again. Now looking back, I can see how I was scared and unsure. I wanted to hide the pain. I wanted to normalize our life as best as I could. I hadn’t truly ‘dealt’ with the pain of that loss. Not until now. It has been approximately 1.5 years since we broke up. Me and the man who saved me at my hardest days. He helped me live the first two years of my baby’s life as happily as I could. He brought a sense of family for us. He gave my little boy something I couldn’t give him. Until it was over…. That was so extremely difficult for me to accept- the end of our relationship. I would hear my little boy ask for him or talk about him for months. I didn’t understand why things happened the way they did. I wasn’t ready to face this. I wasn’t ready to be alone. I wasn’t ready to see Landon feel pain and have confusion at such a young age.

But then something magical happened. I started to grieve. I started to grieve more than I ever have. It was as if I went back to the beginning again… except now, it was more real. Landon also started to grieve. He first grieved the loss of what he had and knew… but then he started to grieve what he didn’t have. He grew up a little bit more. He now understands who dad is. He now understands daddy’s body is broken and doesn’t work any more. He gets sad about it. He gets mad sometimes too. But, can I blame him? I get mad too. It’s not fair. It isn’t.

One thing about grief is that it will always be. We will never lose that hurt. I will never understand why…. But I will make myself believe there is a reason out of pure Faith. I will teach Landon the same.

One of the many interesting things I have had to learn about in my studies is the theory of The 5 Stages of Grief. I wanted to share these with you all after you read a little bit about my experiences in hope that you can see how these stages might could exist and why it might be more difficult for some, like myself, to experience life the same as you or someone else. This can be in relation to everything (dating, making friends, hanging out, being social, going to church, laughing, being outgoing, organization, emotions, health, paying bills on time, house chores, etc.,.).  Not saying a person can not live happily after losing someone close to them… this simply helps to explain the ‘why’ a person is the way they are.  For me, it is more like random personal battles of grief while trying to survive.

The following are The 5 Stages of Grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Here is a great article on grief that helps to explain these stages more in detail:

5 Stages of Grief

❤