I was thinking it would be fun to put together a list of some of my major stresses I suffer from on a regular basis in hopes I can relate to some others (hopefully I can just keep telling myself I am not the only one feeling these things…).
Unfortunately, stressing out over everything in my life has always been a normal thing for me… even before I ever became widowed. So, if you know me, you can only imagine how extra stressed I have become after becoming widowed and having a baby… and still trying to finish school- all at the same time. Woo.
1. Sleepless Nights. I could say this is expected…. because, well, it is. Anyone who goes through something major will lose many nights of sleep, right? Why? Because they are grieving, duh. Because they would rather drown themselves in tears than enjoy a night of rest. However, this is not necessarily the main reason I have lost sleep at night. Don’t get me wrong…. once the baby/toddler/kids are put to bed… that outburst of emotions is sometimes needed- and that’s okay (trust me, I do it all the time).
But, one of the not so expected moments is when you are getting ready for bed and you begin to remember how we (me and my late hubs andy) used to watch movies together before bed. Or that show Parenthood we used to be obsessed with. You remember how we would cut up and just chill and talk about our long days we had. We talked about our not so good day we had or how much we miss home (being in North Carolina was way different than Tennessee). We would talk about our future plans and ideas we had for the future. I would finish up my school work and we would go cuddle up together in bed by 10:30 most nights. I enjoyed every night I got with you because of all the stinking trainings you had to go to and that dreaded deployment we were about to have. We had such a good time with the time we did have together in the evenings.
And now…….. you aren’t here. So that bed that used to be taken up by both of us…. is now missing you. The warmth I used to get from cuddling up by you… is not there any more. The late night talks and the good night kisses are gone. I used to rub your face for you as you fell asleep when you asked me to. Me facing that bed alone……. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can handle that. I do it when I need the rest. When my body is so tired that I force myself. I have bought a new mattress and a beautiful comforter…. and it still doesn’t work. The stress of facing bedtime…… it’s merely a reminder for me. I know one day I will have a new warmth lying next to me……. Oh how much I look forward to that… but for now….. the couch is usually my best solution on these nights.
2. Dating. This is one of those topics that I can guarantee most widows have googled at some time or another- “when is it okay for a widow to date?”, “how soon is too soon for a widow to date?”, “how do I tell my family I am dating? how do I tell his mother I am dating again?”, “how do I trust someone else with my child’s heart?”, “what if I become widowed too soon again? how could I possibly bear losing another love in my life?”, “what is best for my son?”, “It will take someone special to date me.”, “will they be okay for my son to have photos of his dad? They better be or they can leave.”, “my son wants someone so bad… I wish I could just do it.”, “Dear Lord, please send us someone who loves us as we are who we can love dearly back and who treats us well.”………….. yeah. a thousand thoughts. a thousand prayers.
3. Home sweet home. Hm. Well, for me, I was living with my mother when I had my son. I soon found a place to rent. I immediately moved after finding a ton of mold in my son’s room. Fortunately found another place to rent in my home town. I met a guy. We moved an hour and a half away from my hometown when Landon was a little over a year old. We broke up. I moved again (still an hour away from my hometown and most of my family). It’s a nice neighborhood….. and I am blessed…. but this is not where I want to be forever or for the next 5 years. I am tired of moving. I am single. I have a little boy who will be school-age soon…. where do I go? Should I buy a home? Should I keep paying rent (money I would love to potentially be putting toward our own home)? Should Landon be in private school? Should we move to the town with the best public schools? Should I move to where I have a lot of family but the schools are not the top of the top but still aren’t terrible? Plus, I have family who works at those schools… which is cool. Right? But is it the best decision? I will still have to drive to Nashville for school and for work for a while. Is it okay for me to do that? Especially as a single mom? Why do I feel like I am going insane thinking about this?????
4. Community vs. Loneliness/fighting depression/living under a rock/force yourself out. There can be so many people in the same room with me….. but there still is that small feeling of loneliness. Maybe it will one day be fixed. I know it will be. But that takes time…. but how much longer will it take?! My son is the BEST company in the whole wide world…. but I sometimes like adult interaction too. Maybe even one day a boyfriend will fix that? Who knows. Is it family I need? I have no clue. Maybe I just haven’t fully accepted things??? I don’t know. I am trying. And community is great. I like people… most of the time. Until I am the only widowed mom in the room. The only one who can truly understand how I feel. Maybe I just need to form a widows group. yep. Maybe. But then when they start dating…. now what. or when I start dating…. I’m guilty too. Life happens. But now what. I can’t help that I get irritated easily at the fact that you have your husband to watch movies with…. or that you son is on his dad’s shoulders. I love going to the zoo or out to eat with you…. and your wedding ring. And if you are single… awesome! Oh… you get how many days to yourself when the kid is at their dads? That’s awesome you guys can work together though. Me get a babysitter??? Sure! But… I do not like leaving my baby all night. Recently I have needed a few nights… but let’s just say… I am not in the best place to be drinking like everyone else my age is doing. But it’s fun, right? well…. until I start crying after too many drinks. Or when I get sick because I finally started forgetting about everything. Meet people who are single? Dating sites? Egh. Not for me really. But maybe one day. I guess it’s in God’s hands. But, don’t get me wrong… I do love my friends and reconnecting with old friends and hanging out. I do not want that to go away. I do however face those challenges of trying not to feel sorry for myself. 
5. Weight gain/loss… and for me it’s gain. Yep. I was in the best shape of my life before I had a baby… my plan was to keep it off and get back to where I was after having the baby. Well, that was until I became widowed. I then found comfort in ice cream and chocolate. I am still battling that psychological connection to comfort food. But, I WILL GET BACK TO MY BEFORE WEIGHT. Errr.
6. Life. I still have school to finish. I still have a toddler to take care of- feed, bathe, clothe, read books to, play with, teach, etc.,. I have my health to try to take care of. I have bills I have to keep up with. I have big decisions to make. I have to get out of bed everyday. Clean house. Try to organize my borderline hoarded home of too many things and too many toys (I am sooooo ready to clean that out).
7. Who am I? After my world stopped for that brief moment……. I lost connection to who I am. I am still trying to find myself again. I miss the old me. I miss being the girl who always had a smile. I miss being that hippie girl who cared about each little thing she put in her mouth. I miss my old personality. Hm. Maybe I still have it??? I hope so.
I did not list everything…. but these are the main things that came to my mind. But…. one thing I try to live by each day is DO NOT GIVE UP. I have MANY blessings. I have SO MUCH to live for. I know God has many great things planned for us. Many of these stresses are just little things…. things that can be changed if needed. Things that can be worked on. No matter where you are in life…. make every decision for YOU. Strive each day to better yourself and enjoy life. Also strive to spread love and happiness. I, personally, try to be a good example to my son… though I have my moments no doubt. 🙂 Peace.
photo credit: cassieharmony.wordpress.com
Widowed Mommy 